A Small Talk Guide From Someone Who Hates Small Talk
As someone who struggles with social anxiety, I often find making small talk difficult - especially when I am somewhere on my own without the safety blanket of a friend, or alcohol!
But you do not need social anxiety to find it uncomfortable. Studies show that around 70% of people would rather avoid small talk than have to initiate it.
In my experience, most people actually prefer “big talk”: deeper, more meaningful conversations where both parties become both interesting and interested.
But you have to warm up to that first, even if just for a little bit.
The more I have practiced conversation, the more I have realised that small talk is not pointless and is not the enemy of real conversation. It is simply the doorway, a warm-up, a bridge.
Here are a few strategies that help form that bridge more quickly and with more ease.
1. Go First
This can feel scary for people with social anxiety, but initiating a conversation is helpful for two reasons:
It reduces overthinking. Going first shortcuts the endless loop of analysing and worrying about uncertainty. It trains your brain in small, micro-steps to move past avoidance and build small wins of confidence for future interactions. You can even try Mel Robbins’ technique of counting backwards from five and then taking action.
It signals confidence. Speaking first shows initiative, assertiveness, and a willingness to be seen - all of which signal confidence. Studies on group dynamics also show that people who speak early in a conversation are often perceived as warmer, friendlier, and more competent.
If you are unsure where to start, look for people who seem receptive: open body language, smiling faces, relaxed posture, and those not already engaged in another conversation.
2. Introduce Yourself
This might seem obvious, but people who struggle with small talk often overthink introductions. Keep it simple:
“Hey, I’m [Name]”
“I do not think we have met before, I’m [Name]”
Short and simple and it’s all you need to get yourself going.
3. Share Vulnerability Lightly (Optional)
Admitting mild anxiety or awkwardness can make conversations easier and more human. This is optional and something you can experiment with. Lightly sharing your experience can reduce your internal tension and invite empathy from the other person. For example:
“I normally feel a bit awkward making small talk at events like this”
“These things always make me a little nervous”
“I always struggle to know what to say first, so hi!”
This approach signals honesty and humanity without overexposure, and often helps small talk go deeper faster.
4. Use Context as an Opener
Commenting on the situation you are both in gives you a natural starting point for conversation. For example:
“Is this your first time at this event?”
“How do you know the host?”
“Have you tried any of the food?”
Anything about the shared situation works. Context is the first step towards finding common ground, which is where real conversation begins.
You can also add a light observational compliment if it feels natural. Not about appearance, but about something you’ve genuinely noticed:
“That’s a great jacket, where did you get if from”
These comments land well because they come from the environment or something specific, so they feel sincere rather than forced. They help ease people into conversation and signal friendliness without pressure.
5. Find Common Ground
Connection starts when you identify shared interests or experiences. Sometimes it requires a little digging. A helpful tool is asking questions from the FORD framework:
Family
Occupation
Recreation
Dreams
O - Occupation
Occupation is the one people usually ask about first, because it’s socially normal and easy to answer. But if it feels boring or you sense the other person is not energised by it, you can move on quickly.
Some examples:
“What do you do for work?”
“How did you get into that?”
“Do you enjoy it?”
R - Recreation (the best one for finding shared interests)
This is where conversation usually gets more fun and more personal without being too deep.
Examples:
“What do you like doing in your free time?”
“Have you picked up any hobbies recently?”
“What do you normally get up to on weekends?”
F – Family (optional, use only if it feels natural)
Sometimes talking about family can feel too personal early on, so you do not need to use this unless the topic naturally comes up.
Examples (only if relevant):
“Where did you grow up?”
“Are you from a big family?
“Are you close with them?”
D — Dreams (Future plans, hopes, things they’d love to do)
This one can feel too big or deep if you jump into it straight away, so it’s better once you’ve already warmed up and there’s a bit of flow. You can start gently with short-term future plans, then, if the conversation feels open, move into slightly bigger questions about things they’d love to try, learn, or experience.
Examples:
Start light (future plans):
“Have you got anything coming up you’re looking forward to?”
If the vibe feels good, go a little deeper (interests + wishes):
“Is there anything you’ve always wanted to try but haven’t yet?”
And even deeper (only if it feels natural):
“What’s the best decision you’ve ever made in your life?”
A quick note on avoiding tricky topics early on - until you know someone better, steer away from divisive topics like politics or heavy personal issues. Keep things easy and light at first.
Within these areas, you will usually find either something in common or a topic worth exploring.
The beauty of finding common ground is twofold. First, it gives you material to talk about, so the conversation flows naturally. Second, it often sparks curiosity in your conversation partner, who will start asking questions about your experiences and perspectives. In other words, discovering shared interests is not just about them - it also opens the door for them to become curious about you, turning small talk into a two-way exchange.
6. Be Interested
A lot of social anxiety comes from the pressure to perform, to be funny, clever, or impressive. Instead, focus on being genuinely interested in the other person.
When you find something through the FORD framework that genuinely catches your curiosity, zoom in. Neuroscience shows that when people feel heard, their brains release small amounts of dopamine and oxytocin. Simple follow-up questions like:
“How did you get into that?”
“What do you enjoy most about it?”
are verbal cues that invite the other person to expand. Listening actively and showing curiosity often leads to deeper, more engaging conversation.
It’s also important aim for a balance where you’re not just listening endlessly or talking too much. A good rule of thumb is to share a little of yourself after every few questions so it feels like a natural back-and-forth rather than an interview.
7. Accept That Silences Happen
Many people feel pressure to fill every pause. But moments of silence are normal and part of human interaction. A brief pause does not mean you have done anything wrong or that the conversation is falling apart. Most of the time it simply means the energy has shifted, or you have both reached the end of one thread.
Silence gives both people a moment to reset, reflect or find the next natural direction. And when you are not panicking about the gap, another conversation thread will naturally arise again.
Learning to sit comfortably in these moments removes a huge amount of pressure and actually makes you appear more calm and grounded.
8. Have an Exit Strategy
Overthinking goodbyes is also really common. Having a few simple exit lines in your back pocket can ease anxiety:
“I am going to grab a drink, but it was great meeting you”
“I am going to mingle for a bit, but it was nice talking to you”
Simple, honest, and natural. Plus knowing you can leave reduces pressure and makes small talk feel safer.
9. Calm Your Nervous System Beforehand
Your nervous system affects your conversation. If you arrive already tense, small talk feels harder. Doing something beforehand, like light exercise, deep breathing, meditation, or techniques such as EFT tapping, helps you feel calmer in the body before you start talking to people.
Conclusion
Small talk is not about being perfect or impressing anyone. It is about creating safety and connection. Each step, from going first to introducing yourself, lightly sharing vulnerability, noticing context, finding common ground, being curious, accepting silence, and having an exit plan, is a small tool to help conversation flow naturally.
Over time, these small habits add up. What starts as small talk often turns into meaningful conversation, genuine connection, and, potentially, a lot of fun.