Here’s how to overcome your social anxiety
Do you find yourself making excuses to get out of social situations? Or perhaps you force yourself to attend social events but feel disconnected from everyone around you? If you’re nodding, you may be experiencing social anxiety.
Now before you diagnose yourself with a social anxiety disorder, we want to highlight that there is also something called social stress. These are two different things:
Social stress: If your concern only occurs every now and then, perhaps for a big event or a night out with friends, this is what is called social stress; a social situation that makes you feel stressed and worried.
Social anxiety: Social anxiety however is something you may feel frequently over and over again, not just for one-off events. A social anxiety disorder can also make you struggle with eye contact and to speak up with people close to you, such as family and friends.
The good news for both of these ‘fears’ is that you can overcome them with a variety of treatment options and you don’t always have to seek professional help.
Around 13% of people in the UK will experience social anxiety at some point in their lifetime. Research suggests that women are more likely to suffer from severe symptoms, and men are more likely to find treatment to help them out.
If you think you’re experiencing social anxiety, read on for our top tips for overcoming your feelings.
1. Understand your fears
At the heart of social anxiety is the desire to connect with others and the fear of rejection. It’s important to understand that this is a very normal thing to experience. We are social beings and it’s hardwired into us to be accepted by others.
Often our fears might flare-up following an experience or a conversation with someone. While we may not realise it at the time, one moment can lead to a whole host of physiological concerns, worries and character changes.
The first step to overcoming your social anxiety is to understand why it might be happening.
Questions you can ask yourself are:
Have I ever felt rejection?
Am I worried about looking silly?
Do I constantly replay social interactions in my head?
Did a new job or life-event trigger my feelings?
Was there something from my childhood that might be causing these feelings?
These questions might prompt you to connect together your fear and a past/present experience. Sometimes one of these ‘light-bulb moments’ can help you understand why you may be feeling like you are, and also give you ideas about how you can tackle your worries head-on.
Likewise, if you’re still baffled about the why, then that’s okay. It’s not essential to have this information. It can just be useful if you do.
2. Talk about your fears
Speaking out loud about feelings to someone you trust will always lighten the load off your shoulders. Trusted friends or family members will listen and help put things into perspective. They may even have some useful advice for you too.
If you’re struggling to identify someone to talk to then Talking Therapies is a fantastic free resource provided by the NHS. The person at the end of the phone is always friendly, understanding and will provide a bespoke plan, especially for you.
Sometimes talking to someone who’s not connected to you in any way or form can be more helpful. There are no limits as to what you can say, and the therapist at the end of the phone can give you advice that hasn’t been influenced by others around you
3. Turn negative thoughts on their head
Research suggests that people with social anxiety are more likely to have lower self-esteem. Low self-esteem can get out of control when we allow ourselves to think pessimistic thoughts. If you can practise turning any negative thoughts on their head, you can combat a low self-esteem mindset and start feeling more confident.
One of the key components of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is cognitive restructuring - a technique where you identify and understand unhelpful thoughts and then replace and reframe them into something more accurate and helpful.
It’s important to know that people with high self-esteem will have the same negative thoughts as you, they’ve just got really good at reframing them.
For example, your social anxiety might make you think:
“I can’t go as I won’t look good enough.”
“I can’t go because I can't hold a conversation.”
“I can’t go because no one likes me and I’m not interesting enough.”
Yet, if you turn these thoughts on their head, you can start to see the positives in the social situations and start believing that you can attend them.
For example:
Negative thought: “I can’t go because no one likes me and I’m not interesting enough.”
Can be turned into…
Positive thought: “I actually have loads of interesting things to say, I just need to put myself out there”.
If you really want to do cognitive restructuring properly, we recommend working with a qualified CBT therapist so you can properly learn how to apply it to your life.
4. Take up healthy habits
It’s been proven that a healthy lifestyle can help alleviate anxiety symptoms and improve our mental health. This is because your body is likely to produce more serotonin and endorphin hormones when regularly taking part in exercise and eating well. And it's these hormones that have a positive effect on your mind, reduce fatigue and elevate your mood.
A healthy lifestyle can be hard to maintain when there are work commitments, household tasks and personal relationships to juggle. However, if you prioritise a few essential elements to boost your ‘happy hormones’ you’ll soon find that your anxiety will lessen and you’ll feel more in control of it.
Healthy habits we recommend to prioritise are:
Sleep - a good night’s sleep can make the world look like a completely different place. It’s recommended that an adult gets seven to nine hours of sleep every night, keeping to a routine of when you go to sleep and wake up.
Get outside - physical exercise stimulates the production of serotonin and endorphins. Fresh air can also do your body wonders, as it wakes you up, clears away the cobwebs and gives your mind time to wonder. Try and get outside every day for a walk, run, bike ride or even meet up with a friend for a chat. The benefits you’ll get from it will have an extremely positive impact on your anxiety.
Eat well - a balanced diet full of vegetables, fruit, protein, carbohydrates, and plenty of water really can make a difference in how you feel. Foods high in fats and sugars can make you feel sluggish - and make you crave more of them. It’s a vicious circle. Go for mood-boosting foods such as bananas, oats, lentils and oily fish. Dark chocolate and coffee in small quantities are great for boosting your mood too!
5. Get outside of your comfort zone.
You might be tempted to skip this section, but trust us when we tell you that getting out of your comfort zone is one of the fastest ways to combat social anxiety.
You can try doing social freedom exercises which are designed to help people overcome the fear of being judged negatively that drives social anxiety. It’s important that you start off small and work up towards doing bigger, more challenging exercises.
Alongside this, start also saying yes to social occasions. Ducking out of invites or challenging situations that make you feel uncomfortable will continue to happen unless you make a drastic change. This part might fill you with intense fear and every part of your body might be screaming “no”, but if you can make the step to say “yes” you’re on the path to overcoming your social anxiety disorder.
Again, it’s important to start small. Begin with a social situation or a conversation with a friend/partner that you feel semi-comfortable with. Once you’ve started saying “yes” to these events, you can build up to bigger scenarios, such as a night out with colleagues or even a date.
Practice makes perfect. And when you start feeling comfortable with feeling uncomfortable, you’ll relax and enjoy yourself.
6. Celebrate your achievements
When was the last time you congratulated yourself? As individuals, we often rely on others to say well done and give us a boost. But from today, it’s time to start congratulating and rewarding yourself for achievements!
Set yourself a few goals that will help overcome your social anxiety disorder and write down rewards to incentivise you to meet them.
We then recommend starting a positive evidence diary, of all the goals you’ve achieved so you can track your progress. You can also include anything else you’ve done that you’re proud of and want to celebrate.
People with social anxiety tend to have a negative bias that always focuses on perceived “mistakes”. Because of this, it’s important to do the opposite as much as possible so you can start to reframe how you view yourself.
Keep your positive evidence diary updated as much as possible, and then read back through it as much as you can to celebrate your achievements.
Set yourself a few goals that will help overcome your social anxiety disorder and write down rewards to incentivise you to meet them.
7. Ask for help
There are a lot of resources readily available to help people experiencing social anxiety, from free therapy sessions with a mental health professional to groups and online courses.
We run an in-person public speaking training course in London, UK, as well as an online public speaking course for people who don’t want to travel or are a bit worried about interacting with a group.
All of our courses are filled with people who find their social anxiety disorder challenging. And all of our students leave their courses feeling confident with the knowledge and techniques they need to overcome their worries and concerns.
If you’d like to find out more, we have a whole host of testimonials from recent students that can tell you about their experiences.
Alternatively, we have a free mini-course video that you can watch here.