Why “Fake It Till You Make It” Doesn’t Work

The most common advice when it comes to public speaking, especially in the workplace, is to “fake it till you make it”.

Even if this isn’t explicitly said, it’s what we learn through watching others and through the messages we receive from culture and society. That we need to be seen and come across in a certain way. That we need to “project” strength and confidence.

For some people, “faking it” and acting confident gives them what they need. They learn through repetition and action, and eventually this grounds into real confidence.

But for many people, especially introverts and people with social anxiety, this approach doesn’t help and can leave them feeling inadequate, like they can’t measure up to other “successful” people.

That’s because the fear is not really about public speaking. It is the fear of being seen.

And almost all of the time, it is the fear that if they are seen, people will notice they are not good enough in some way, which will lead to rejection, judgement or negative evaluation.

Many people who struggle with this tend to do two things to cope with the anxiety it creates: stay quiet, blend in, become invisible, or adopt a “persona” of what a confident person says or does.

Neither is helpful.

And this is not the person’s fault, or a conscious choice they are making. Their nervous system is simply doing whatever it can to feel safe.

The Problem With Faking It

One of the most common approaches for this type of anxiety is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), which usually involves helping people restructure their thoughts around anxious situations, and encouraging them to do exposures, facing the thing they are afraid of.

When it comes to exposures, the idea is that repeated contact with the thing you fear helps the brain realise it is not dangerous.

But here is the paradox with public speaking. If you practise speaking in front of others while “faking it”, adopting a persona, performing, or hiding in some way, then you never truly expose yourself to the fear.

In fact, it can make it harder to overcome, because you keep reinforcing the belief that showing who you actually are is unsafe. So you never fully get “seen”, and the fear persists.

You may get through what you need to do. It may even go “well” by conventional standards. But the nervous system does not learn that being yourself is safe. It only learns that you survived because you hid.

So for exposure to be effective, it has to be real exposure.

Why Some Speaking Advice Feels Exhausting

Pretending to be someone else is exhausting.

Trying to follow advice from people who do not struggle with this level of anxiety can also be frustrating.

People who get nervous speaking in front of others are already self-monitoring their behaviour in an excessive way. Adding a layer of “shoulds” on top of that is not helpful.

And most workplaces are the worst for this. Even with all the awareness around mental health that now exists in modern working culture, “confidence” is still often viewed as a skill you simply need to improve, rather than something that can be deeply tied to someone’s wellbeing.

But when someone already feels disconnected from themselves socially, they can become even more disconnected through “faking it”.

What Actually Helps

What actually helps is doing “real” exposures.

That means showing up as yourself, even if you are nervous, awkward or imperfect.

The challenge is that this is difficult to do in high stakes situations like work. The nervous system can shut things down, which then reinforces the belief that it is too hard or too scary.

That is why in our workshops we focus heavily on this. Allowing people to be seen for who they actually are through a set of specific exercises and processes we have developed over thousands of hours in classes, experimenting and refining.

And here is the most important part. When people do these “real exposures”, they ALWAYS get met with connection from the rest of the group. This is not forced or fake. It is the natural byproduct of witnessing someone be authentic.

When a “real exposure” is met with connection, that is when the nervous system learns that being seen is safe. And once that happens, it becomes much easier to speak.

Ironically, true confidence often appears after you stop trying so hard to look confident.

Because real confidence is not the absence of fear.

It is the growing experience of: “I can be seen without hiding.”

Our goal is not to create perfect speakers. It is to create environments where people can gradually stop hiding.

Where they can speak, share, stumble, be human, and learn through repetition that being seen is not dangerous.

For many people, that is the experience that actually changes the fear.

Not “faking it till you make it”.

But discovering that the real you can be met with connection instead of rejection.

Head over to our courses page to read more about how our training could help you.