What I’ve Learned from Watching People Open Up

I've been running courses at the School of Connection now for six years. In that time, I’ve facilitated countless courses and workshops, and guided people through one of our core processes: finding authenticity by leaning into vulnerability.

As someone who has struggled with social anxiety most of my life, I understand first-hand that “opening up” and being vulnerable - especially around people you don’t know - is not an easy thing.

Being “authentic,” for many of us, can feel scary and sometimes beyond what we feel capable of doing.

But when it does happen, something magical always takes place - not just for the individual, but for everyone in the room (including me).

We use specific exercises and practices to help this unfold. And we spend a lot of time making sure the environment feels safe enough for people to even consider letting their guard down.

Even after years of watching people go through this process, I’m still continually surprised and blown away by how much I learn from witnessing others.

Here are a few things that have stuck with me:

1. Everyone has a story to tell

Most people who come into our classes arrive feeling a mix of nerves and excitement. Some also come across as quite closed - a bit distant, guarded, and on occasion, even slightly confrontational.

As a sensitive person, I sometimes interpret this as them not liking me or the group. But as soon as we do one of the exercises and you hear their story, something changes. You see they’re not cold - they’re just scared. And in that moment, all the projections I might have had fall away.

It’s a humbling reminder: everyone has a reason for how they are. And for the most part, underneath the defences, there's usually some form of fear.

This has helped me recognise how much I project onto others and I’m continually humbled by how much this happens.

2. People need to feel safe in order to be vulnerable

This might sound obvious, but it’s worth saying. If someone doesn’t feel safe, they won’t open up. They’ll go into overwhelm and either freeze, perform, or disappear into their head. None of this is helpful.

A lot of our job as facilitators at the School of Connection isn’t about “getting people to be vulnerable” - it’s about helping them feel comfortable enough to do so.

I can admit that this isn’t an easy task. As someone who has spent years working on regulating my own nervous system, I know that for others to feel safe, mine needs to be calm, and this pressure sometimes gets to me.

I do my best to make sure I’m as grounded as I can be ahead of facilitating these particular exercises. I’ve learned that vulnerability doesn’t happen through force - it happens through trust.

3. When one person opens up, it gives everyone else permission

This is something I see all the time. When one person shares something very honest and real, it acts like a domino and completely changes the tone in the room.

You can see everyone else finally feels like they have permission to do the same. One by one, they follow suit.

It just takes one brave person to set the precedent, and the magic starts to happen.

It’s actually so lovely to witness tiny bits of people liberating themselves from the masks they’ve felt they needed so badly.

It always reminds me just how much we’re dying to be ourselves.

4. Opening up is not about performing

This is what makes these exercises we do so helpful.

The “world”, social media, corporate working cultures - they all condition us to believe that success is based on performance. That we should be perfect, highly productive, competent, charismatic, sexy, funny and charming - all at the same time - in order to feel valued.

We then feel like we are constantly falling short of these metrics. And this not only damages our self-esteem, but it’s exhausting.

There’s a moment in our courses when people stop trying to do this and start speaking from the heart - and when it happens, you can instantly feel it. You can see others lean in and start listening - you feel the connection happening.

It’s amazing just how much bullsh*t we have to navigate to get to this place.

Then you realise that it’s this that connects us to others - not conditioned “confidence” or the illusion of perfection.

5. We are very good at hiding

After watching so many people go through our exercises, you start to notice particular patterns - the different ways people protect themselves through “hiding.”

Some people hide behind silence, some behind humour, some behind theatrics (being big and bold), some behind intelligence. The list goes on.

I recognise my own patterns in other people all the time too, which can be difficult to accept.

But I’ve realised: no one is doing it on purpose. No one wakes up and thinks, “Today I’ll be inauthentic.”

It’s just years - maybe decades - of trying to survive. For some people, it’s so deeply ingrained that even they don’t realise they’re doing it. But when you do catch it - when you notice yourself hiding - that’s the moment something can shift.

Hopefully our courses help bring awareness to these patterns, perhaps where they were previously unnoticed - as watching others often does for me.

6. We are all the same (even if we forget it)

As cliché as it sounds, it’s remarkable how similar we are underneath it all. Regardless of our cultural backgrounds, we all want the same basic things: to feel accepted and to feel comfortable with who we are. We’ve all experienced rejection. We've all experienced shame. We all want to be loved.

These exercises keep reminding me that we really are all the same. And somehow, that makes people feel a lot less intimidating - it releases the fear of judgment and makes it much easier to connect with others.

Final thought

Sometimes I think I get more from facilitation than any other area of my life, purely because others teach me so much about myself. I continuously learn to stop judging and recognise where I’m often coming from my own survival patterns.

When I watch others being completely vulnerable and authentic, it snaps me right out of my ego and reminds me that no one is perfect - and I don’t need to be either.

We’re called the School of Connection for a reason - because it’s connection that holds all the power for growth, not the performance of an individual. And it’s through continually watching others that I learn this again and again.

Adam x

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