Does your friend have social anxiety? Here’s how you can help them.

Social anxiety disorder (or SAD) is a common mental health condition that affects millions of people worldwide. The most common symptoms are an intense fear or discomfort in social situations which can prevent sufferers forming friendships and relationships.

Do you think your friend has social anxiety? Or perhaps they’ve recently been diagnosed? If this is the case, read on for advice about how you can support them to overcome their fears.

Helpful video from Osmosis to help understand social anxiety disorder.

1) Start by understanding 

Social anxiety can rear its head in many ways, but some of the most common places and situations for it to occur are:

• Small talk - meeting new people and being expected to hold a conversation 

• Large social gatherings - big social occasions with lots of people can be daunting

• Dating - worrying for many of us, but people with social anxiety fear these even more

• Family events - taking part in family occasions where the pressure is on for members to ‘like’ you

• At work - making small talk with a team, presentations, and speaking up in meetings 

There are also some common physical symptoms that come with social anxiety. These are:

• Sweating

• A shaky voice

• Blushing

• Feeling sick

• Feeling dizzy

• Panic attacks

Understanding when and how your friend’s social anxiety strikes is the first step to take if you want to support them. There may be specific scenarios or triggers that make your friend’s level of anxiety worse. Ask them about their symptoms too so you know what warning signs to look out for when you’re together. 

2) Don’t dismiss their thoughts

Now you understand more about your friend’s social anxiety, it's important not to dismiss their feelings as ‘silly’ or ‘rubbish’. Social anxiety is a real thing and not something sufferers can easily ‘snap out of’.

Overcoming this kind of fear can be a long process and may take a few attempts at a variety of remedies before people find the right mix that works for them. The most effective treatments are Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, group meet-ups and courses, and medicines if natural therapies don’t work.

Your friend will already be feeling ‘silly’ that they have SAD, so the best approach is to be understanding and get them to talk to you often about how they feel.

3) Encourage your friend to face their fears

The most damaging thing someone with social anxiety can do is avoid everyday activities altogether. Okay, missing the odd party here and there is understandable, after all, even people without social anxiety would prefer not to attend certain events. But if there are everyday scenarios that make your friend anxious, such as going to work, making small talk in the school playground, or attending hobbies and classes, it’s important you encourage them to continue taking part in these things.

One of the ways to overcome SAD is to face certain situations head-on and realise that they’re actually okay. We call it “feel comfortable, feeling uncomfortable”. Once you start embracing your vulnerability and use it as a strength, not a weakness, you’ll soon start to relax and realise these situations aren’t as bad as you think.

We love Brene Brown’s TED talk on The Power of Vulnerability and how you can use this emotion to connect with people. Watch it here and see what you think.

4) Work together to reshape your friend’s thoughts

Talk through individual scenarios and fears with your friend so you can work together to reshape their thoughts. Retraining your brain to approach everyday situations in new ways is part of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (or CBT) which is a talking therapy that can help you manage your problems by changing the way you think and behave.

Questions you could ask your friend about their fears are:

• What’s the worst that you think might happen?

• What do you think is likely to happen?

• What would a good outcome from this situation look like?

• How likely is it that your fears will come true?

Working through these questions will hopefully help your friend see that their fears are bigger than the likelihood of the situation actually happening. You can also offer encouraging, friendly advice for the elements they feel anxious about.

If you feel your friend needs more support than a friend lending an ear, professional CBT help is a good next step. The NHS offers a free CBT service that helps thousands of people every single day and you don’t need a doctor’s referral to take part. 

Find out more about CBT here.

5) Help them out of a situation if it gets too much

Now you understand how your friend is feeling, it’s important you take it upon yourself to look out for them in certain situations. You now know their triggers and their symptoms, so if you can see your friend feeling overwhelmed and panicky be their wingman and help them duck out of the situation for a while.

Take your friend to a quiet spot, encourage them to slow down their breathing, talk about their feelings, and reset their thoughts. They may even find the confidence to put themselves back into the situation and face their fears.

6) Don’t push them

Anxiety isn’t something people can turn off. It’s a gradual process taking someone from an anxious state-of-mind to a neutral state-of-mind. The heart rate needs to slow, hormones need to balance out and body temperature needs to cool. There’s no room for, “Come on just do it”. This attitude will only make your friend’s symptoms worse.

The best thing you can do is encourage them and be there for them. Gentle nudges in the right direction, one baby step at a time. Remember the well-known ladder image for reaching a goal. You can’t fly all the way up the ladder from the button step. It’s a gradual climb, section by section, to reach the top. 

7) Be patient

This leads us nicely on to, be patient. SAD won’t diminish overnight. It could take months and years for your friend to be more comfortable in social situations. In fact, many SAD sufferers have had the condition all their life. 

If you can help your friend find ways to manage their symptoms, then they’re more likely to be rid of SAD, or at least keep symptoms at bay for them not to be affected by the illness.

Keep the communication open and ask your friend about how they’re feeling. A problem shared, really is a problem halved.

8) Learn how to manage anxiety attacks

Some SAD sufferers can experience panic attacks. As a friend, it’s good for you to know how to help manage anxiety attacks so you can step up to help your friend’s symptoms pass.

Here are some techniques you can try. We suggest working from the top down. Not every technique works for everyone, so you may have to try a few:

• Breathing exercises - get your friend to take slow breaths in and out, counting to five each time, until their breathing returns to a normal pace

• Muscle relaxation exercises - tell your friend to close their eyes and then slowly tense and relax each muscle group, one by one, from their toes to their head. Each tense and relaxation stage should last three seconds.

• Meditate - meditation is great for calming emotions and bringing people back into a present state of mind. Ask your friend to sit down and tell you what they can see, feel, hear and smell. Get them to talk about each element until their anxiety attack passes.

• Go for a walk - a walk around the block can do wonders for reducing anxiety symptoms, so if there’s an opportunity to get up and walk, spend 10-15 minutes doing this with your friend.

• Pinch pressure points - finally, get your friend to pinch their pressure point between their thumb and forefinger. It’s a good distraction technique. 

9) Find SAD groups

Attending groups with people in the same situations can become a valuable support network, as well as benefit your social life. There are many SAD groups across the UK, a popular one being SASH in London (Social Anxiety Self-Help).

Our Public Speaking Courses are also filled with people experiencing social anxiety. They come along to learn how to feel comfortable speaking in social situations. Many of our students stay in touch and meet up following the course as having SAD in common means they help each other out and lend a friendly ear when it’s needed.

You can find out more about our Public Speaking Courses to help with SAD here.

Our team is highly experienced with social anxiety - in fact, many of us suffer from it ourselves. If you want to ask us a question or chat about how you're feeling, drop us a note here and we’ll be in touch.