How social anxiety affects relationships
The irony of social anxiety is that it causes us to avoid the very thing that we want the most: human connection.
The fear of being judged negatively by others means not only do we not put ourselves in positions to form new relationships, but when we do enter them, we often don't communicate in ways that are conducive to honest, healthy relationship dynamics.
Let's break these two behavioural aspects down further.
Avoidance
Avoidance is one of the most common coping strategies for anxiety in general. Typically, this is an unhelpful behaviour habit that we learn over time as a way of escaping perceived "danger", even though in reality we face no physical threat at all. And although it provides short-term relief from the feelings and effects of anxiety, it doesn't serve us in the long run, as it only makes us believe further that the thing we avoided is dangerous.
This has a compounding effect, meaning that the next time we have to face the thing we're afraid of, we'll fear it even more.
When it comes to relationships, avoidance might be turning down offers to go to parties or social gatherings, not approaching anyone at a networking event, or not asking a person you like out on a date even though you want to.
We avoid it because we’re afraid of rejection and that people won’t like us. This is because we really deeply crave acceptance and connection, we really want people to like us, but the fear is so big that we can’t face putting ourselves out there. Unfortunately, this means we are sometimes left feeling alone and isolated.
Communication
Although people with social anxiety may have trouble forming new connections, this doesn’t mean they don’t have existing meaningful friendships and romantic relationships.
The problem they often encounter, however, is that their fear of rejection/being judged negatively by their friend or partner means that they won’t always disclose how they feel.
They’ll say yes to doing things when they really mean no. They might have trouble making decisions about where to eat because they’re afraid the other person won’t like their choices. They stay in a relationship even when they know they should end it because they’re afraid of upsetting their partner or worse, that they won’t be able to find another one.
Another common problem people with social anxiety experience is a lack of personal boundaries in relationships, meaning they let people treat them in a way that they feel is unfair without ever calling them out on it or standing up for themselves.
All of these behaviours can naturally have a detrimental effect on relationships. By not expressing how you really feel, you can end up building resentment towards the other person that can then come out in explosive and toxic ways. By not setting boundaries you can end up feeling bullied or taken advantage of. And ultimately, a lack of healthy and honest communication can lead to the breakdown of relationships altogether, which then reinforces the belief that people will reject us.
How can we manage our social anxiety?
So how do we manage our social anxiety in a way that leads us to healthier, happier relationships?
We have to tackle our problems of avoidance and communication head-on, through both exposure, and going to the root of our issue, self-esteem.
When it comes to overcoming avoidance, it’s really important that we do the thing we’re afraid of in small chunks that get incrementally more challenging over time. This might begin with starting a conversation with a complete stranger one day, and build-up to going to a workshop or event where you have to speak to lots of other people.
Whatever you do, it’s important that you do this with a “done is better than perfect” mindset and remember that every little step you take to overcome the thing you’re afraid of puts you closer to having more control of your wellbeing.
In order to work on your communication, it’s important that you first start by addressing your self-esteem. How you relate to yourself is the most fundamental component of how you relate to others. Whether you’re aware of it or not, self-esteem is very often the cause of social anxiety and an inability to express yourself.
Therapy like CBT can really help you address these issues and diffuse the unhelpful thinking and negative core beliefs that fuel the fear of being judged/rejected by others. There are also tons of good books on the subject that can provide useful guidance and tips. In his book the Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathanial Branden, one of the pillars is called “living assertively” and it’s an entire section dedicated to how you express yourself in your relationships.
Once you understand, work on and develop healthy self-esteem, you’re more equipped to start communicating in a way that is congruent with how you feel. Not only does this make you a more authentic friend or partner but it helps you to experience more of what you really desire: connection.
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