How to be more confident in 8 steps
Did you know one in three Brits don't feel confident about themselves?
So, first things first, if you're here because you lack confidence please try to not worry about it. There's no need to think everyone else around you feels sure of themselves, because it's highly likely they don't. Also, confidence isn't something you're born with, it’s something you can learn and a skill you can hone.
Our team members at School of Connection have all experienced many situations where we don't feel confident, continuously comparing ourselves to others in the room. Which is why we’re here to offer our guidance and help.
So whether you want to find out how to be more confident in social situations, to better yourself at work, or just generally feel more comfortable in your own skin, give our 8 proven steps a go.
How to be more confident in 8 steps
Step 1: List the most common places where you lack confidence
Before you learn how to feel more confident, it's important you get to the bottom of where and when your confidence takes a dip.
Step 1 consists of writing a list of all the times and places when you’ve found yourself lacking in confidence the most.
Some of the most common reasons, scenarios and situations where our confidence levels take a knock can be:
Not feeling good about how we look
Making decisions (no matter how big or small)
Talking to colleagues/your boss at work
Presenting to an audience/public speaking
Attending a social event
Dating
With family members
Travelling
Finding a new job
Socialising with friends
At school
Step 2: What's stopping you feeling confident?
Now you've identified where you lack confidence, it's time to work out the why.
Next to every place where your confidence falls, write down why you think this could be.
For example, could these situations make you feel less worthy because...
You don't feel you're good enough
You feel you need to look a certain way
You don't feel comfortable in your surroundings
You're worried about making a mistake
You're worried you'll look silly
You're worried people will think badly of you
You think people will laugh at you
Step 3: Flip your reasons on their head - and stick them on your fridge!
Our reasons for lacking in confidence mostly arise because we’ve trained our brain to behave in that way. It is possible to retrain our minds to approach scenarios and situations differently, and therefore feel better about ourselves and more self-assured. It just takes a bit of practice.
Taking your list of reasons - it’s now time to flip them on their head.
Write 3 counteractive actions or feelings next to each of your ‘why’ reasons. It won’t always be possible to list 3, but even if you can manage 1 or 2 it will help improve how you feel during certain events.
This step might take some thinking time, but trust us, it will be worth it.
Once you've got your new counteractive feelings list, put it up in a place where you will see it every day. This could be on your fridge, wardrobe or a mirror. Your list will be your constant daily reminder to help retrain how you think, feel and act in all those moments when you need some extra assurance.
Here’s an example…
You don’t feel confident at work because you’re worried you’re not good enough to be there.
Three counteractive reasons why you should feel confident at work, could be:
You got the job because the company felt you would be good at it. Someone else has faith in your abilities, so you should too.
There's bound to be a colleague who isn't as skilled as you and admires you for your knowledge. This person is no doubt lacking in confidence at work as much as you. Take strength in the fact that others will have days feeling the same - you're not alone.
No one knows everything. All you can do is work hard to keep bettering yourself and increasing your skills and knowledge. Working your way up a company takes time. Don't rush it, just do your best, and take the pressure off yourself.
Step 4: Put yourself in situations where you don't feel confident
You probably had to read step 4 again. Yes, we did say “put yourself in situations where you don't feel confident”. Why? Because the more you practise retraining your thoughts, the more chance you'll get to overcome your fears and grow your confidence.
Now, we're not saying you have to do these things every week, but next time you're invited to a social event or are asked to present at work, say "yes".
Revisit your lists and remind yourself that you are good enough, no-one is going to think badly of you, and you won't look silly. You are you. Feel proud of that.
Step 5: Adjust your posture and make eye contact
Feeling confident isn't just about how you feel on the inside, it's about how you look and act on the outside too.
Imagine this:
You walk into a situation with your shoulders hunched and eyes down.
This instantly tells people you're unsure and insecure.
Now imagine this:
You walk into a situation with your shoulders back, head up and make eye contact with people when you speak.
A confident posture makes you appear confident. And, a confident posture will make you feel confident too.
If making eye contact doesn't come naturally to you, the 80/20 rule is a good method to follow. The 80/20 rule simply means - meet someone's eyes 80% of the time during a conversation, and then the other 20% of the time you can focus on something else. This means you don't feel awkward staring into a person's eyes throughout the whole time you're with them. Give it a go!
Step 6. Be honest, authentic and genuine
The most important behaviour we practise with our students time and time again is to be: honest, authentic and genuine.
Even people that appear confident are likely to be putting on a facade, and eventually, people will see through a false exterior.
To make genuine connections and relationships it's extremely important to show the real you. None of us like to show our vulnerability, however, it's this vulnerability that often makes people like us and want to spend time with us. Why? Because it's real and it's authentic.
So, when you next find yourself in a scenario where you feel a sudden pang of self-doubt, tell the person you're with. For example, if you're on a date, it's okay to start the conversation with, "I'm feeling a bit nervous". Or, if you're about to present at work, feel free to tell the room, "bear with me, the nerves are starting to kick in."
We bet you that once you start opening up you’ll find that a) the person you're with will feel that too or b) you’ll get a warm response and that person or audience will do their best to make you feel comfortable and give you a boost.
Step 7: Spend time with kind, positive people
Who you choose to surround yourself with will have an impact on how you feel, think and act. So it's important to spend time with people, friends and family that make you feel good about yourself.
If there's a particular friend that always makes you beat yourself up over something you said - distance yourself from them. Or if you have a family member who never makes you feel like you're good enough - limit the time you spend with them.
It can be difficult to walk away from friendships and relationships. But if you can book up your diary with people that make you feel happy and give you positive feelings, you should prioritise these occasions. It then means you'll have a limited amount of time to give to the people who suppress your energy and no doubt make your insecurities worse.
Step 8: Don't be hard on yourself
Finally, our last step to follow.
Don't be hard on yourself.
You're only human and as humans we all make mistakes. In these circumstances the best thing you can do is pick yourself up, brush yourself off and start all over again.
Everyday is not going to be perfect. And that’s okay because that's life.
Manage your time well. Spend it with good people, doing good things.
And, when you do feel your confidence take a dip, remember that one in three people will be feeling the same.
It's okay to not be confident. Reassure yourself, revisit turning your feelings on their head, and practise putting yourself in the situations where you don't feel comfortable.
Good luck!
If you'd like to talk to us further about improving your confidence, do get in touch here.
You may also want to check out our new free mini-course, 'The freedom to speak in public'.